Vessel
by SunshineStarDust
Summary: Two years ago, Kylo Ren deflected from the First Order and disappears. He brings with him a secret he must protect, one he plans to bring to his grave. Things never go as planned. Kylux. Trans!Kylo MPreg
1. Chapter 1

Kylo Ren hates sand.

It's coarse, and rough, and irritating. It also tends to be accompanied by ridiculous waves of heat. He did not come prepared for this weather either, and he really should have known better. He's far too hot, and as he sweats, his clothes end up sticking to him in the most uncomfortable way. At night, a deathly chill sets across the planet, and he finds himself frozen to the bone. He's barely on the planet for more than two days when he decides that it will drive him insane.

More insane than he already was, at least.

What the hell was he thinking, deflecting from the First Order? And coming to Jakku, of all places? He definitely had his reasons, good reasons, at that, but it did not make his plans any less asinine.

They would find him. Of that he was sure. But the outer rim was a vast wasteland, and he had bought himself at least a few months of safety having chosen such a pitiful planet - it was one of the last places anyone would dare look for him. An insult if they did, really.

And when they did... He would be prepared. To flee, to fight, whatever was demanded of him when the time came.

He must protect him. As of now, he was his reason, his world, and as much as he loathed to admit it, his light.

* * *

"Daddy!"

It's a shrill cry, but not one that screams immediate danger, so Kylo takes his time peeling himself off of his makeshift bed. It's late in the afternoon, which means it's just as insufferably hot inside as it would be out in the open, but the darkness that the downed Hellhound Two offers is at least better than the glare of the sun.

There's a creak of metal, and he steps outside into the desert. It's blinding, and before he can become accustomed to it, he finds his arms full of his son. He's squealing happily, which is an instantaneous headache for him, but he draws him close regardless and presses a kiss to his temple. "Where's Rey?"

Anakin squirms but then grins, and points towards a hill. "Go see!"

"See what?" Kylo asks, kneeling down and allowing him to gather his footing. He immediately bolts away, kicking up sand in his wake, and Kylo has no choice but to stumble after him.

Two years did nothing to change his opinion on sand.

He climbs up the sand dune, cursing the entire way, and is greeted by the sight of his son bounced excitedly towards a small droid. Rey is kneeling before it, talking to it calmly, her expression one of uncertainty but also a twinge of fascination. That spells nothing but trouble for Kylo.

Rey looks up at their approach and offers a small smile. It's apologetic and Kylo's expression immediately turns into one of distaste. He knows Rey's look all too well, and he knows it means he's not going to like the outcome.

"Don't tell me-."

"We have an extra roommate for the night," Rey says, and despite the casual tone of her voice, it doesn't leave room for argument. Not that Kylo could argue - he and his son had been an "extra roommate" for just over two years now. Rey turns to Anakin, whose eyes have lit up in pure excitement, "You think we could make room for one more, Ani Banani?"

Kylo rolls his eyes at the petname. Anakin just nods enthusiastically, before turning his full attention to the droid. The droid beeps and Anakin mimics the noise crudely.

It's going to be a long night.

* * *

Kylo can't exactly blame his son for his enthusiasm when it comes to his newfound friend. Even he, growing up the resistance, was surrounded by the children of other resistance members. He had a best friend at the resistance base, and even after being sent to train with his uncle, had the other children to talk to.

Anakin had no one except Rey and himself.

It was not ideal, but most of the children on Jakku shared the same fate. Many of them only met at the marketplace as their parents traded in their scavenged good for rations. Anakin was not even allowed this, as Kylo refused to be seen at the marketplace, and he did not allow Rey to take him alone.

It was impossible that anyone would be looking for him. Besides Rey, no one knew he existed. But when the First Order came for him - and they would come for him - Anakin must be at his side so that he could protect him.

More than once he had entertained the thought of leaving this planet, of leaving Anakin behind in Rey's care. Rey would take care of him, she loved him. Kylo was sure of that, at least. But, should he leave, he would have nowhere to go. Kylo could never return to the dark side, for fear of what Snoke would find in his mind. What he would do with the knowledge of his son, what he would do to Anakin...and to Rey, he conceded, because even he could not deny that Rey had wormed her way into his heart just as Anakin had, and he knew Snoke would not pass up tormenting Kylo with everything he cares about.

He couldn't do it.

He wanted to. Every time he looked in his eyes he was reminded of the innocent lives he had ended, of his betrayal of the light to the dark. His eyes, so much like his fathers, but innocent and naive and unknowing, drew Kylo to the light. But not enough. The dark was still there, a dull throb he could not resist, that raged war upon the light.

Many nights were spent sleepless, as dreams of his past and nightmares of his future haunted him. It was at these moments, where there was nothing to fill the emptiness but the sound of breathing, that the dark nearly won. Just as he found himself about to be swallowed by it, his hand twitching for the lightsaber he was never able to let go of, small hands would reach out and wrap around his fingers, and the body beside him would tuck himself further into his side.

Anakin made it worth it, made the struggle less painful. Because of him, he won each battle. Not the light, or the dark, but him. When he worries over him, it is his own worry. When he is angry, it is not because of the Force pulling at him from each angle, but because Anakin refuses to eat the pitiful rations they consider dinner. When he is happy, it is because his son is happy.

It is because of this, that when Anakin clings to him and stares up at him with those steel blue eyes, he gives in and agrees to accompany Rey and BB-8 to the marketplace to see the droid off. Kylo waits until he is the only one remaining in the Hellhound Two to withdraw his lightsaber from the vent he had hidden it in. For a moment, he runs his hands over its surface and the weight is a strange comfort. He moves to turn it on, hesitates and instead clips it to his side, where his tunic hangs over and hides it from sight.

When Kylo submerges from the Walker, Rey has somehow managed to wrangle the droid onto her speeder, and Anakin is perched in her lap, bouncing impatiently. Rey holds out a hand as Kylo approaches, but Kylo waves it off and slips onto the speeder behind her. It's uncomfortable; the speeder was built for one, maybe two people maximum, but it means they don't have to walk, so Kylo can live with it.

The marketplace was everything Kylo had imagined it would be, which was admittedly not much. Shops littered the square, people flitting between them trading the little they had. Kylo slips off the speeder and holds his arms out for Anakin. Rey passes the squirming child down to his father, before hopping off and helping the droid down.

"BB-8's going to come with me to trade," Rey says, and the droid gives an affirmative series of beeps. Kylo has already pulled Anakin protectively to his chest, and the toddler seems to realize that he will not be able to follow his robot friend. Anakin's face falls, but only for a moment before Rey assures him, "We'll be back here soon enough to say goodbye. I think we got some good stuff. Maybe we could get a treat."

Anakin's eyes light up, and Kylo doesn't bother correct that nothing found on this dustball of a planet could ever be considered a treat. Perhaps one day, when the First Order is nothing but a distant memory, and he no longer had to hide Anakin's existence, he could show both him and Rey a true treat.

Instead, he turns and begins to walk towards the stalls. They were heavily populated, and he was hopeful that he could wander without being noticed or recognized. It didn't prevent him from being antsy, though, twitching whenever someone so much as glanced in his direction.

It took all of Kylo's willpower not to attack the moment someone brushed his shoulder, so he instead turned to focus on his son, who seemed utterly fascinated by everything he was seeing. Anakin often stopped him with a gentle tug, questioning what each item is. Kylo carefully explained them, and though many of the explanations escaped the understanding of a toddler, Anakin nodded wisely in response.

The next half an hour passes as such until Anakin has seen everything and has grown bored. At this point, he is drifting in his arms and Kylo steps out of the crowds and into the shade as Anakin rests his head on his shoulder.

It's strange, being with people again, but the novelty wears off ridiculously quickly as the sounds of gunfire suddenly assault his ears. Anakin is jostled from his nap and looks up at him in a panic. His tiny fists clench the front of Kylo's robes, and he knew he shouldn't have come, shouldn't have let Anakin beg his way here, shouldn't have let Rey convince him that it would be okay-

But they weren't firing at him. The tent he had ducked behind remained blissfully in one piece though that meant nothing at this point. The First Order would not stop until they got what they came for, and he was not safe here. He turned to run, but... where was there to run? There was nothing, nothing but desert and sand and fighter jets he could never hope to outrun.

"Daddy?" Anakin asks, and he reaches out to press a tiny palm against Kylo's cheek. He has never seen him so flustered, let alone as panicked as he was, and he could see his own fear reflecting in Anakin's eyes. "What's happening?"

 _Nothing_ , he wants to say, but the words get caught in his throat. Instead, he just shakes his head. "I'll protect you."

"Where's auntie Rey?" He asks immediately after, seemingly comforted by his father's promise of protection. Kylo feels his heart clench but simply shakes his head. His priority is Anakin and only Anakin. So long as he survived, no one else mattered.

"She can handle herself," Kylo assures him, and it's not even second later when the explosion erupts behind them. He's immediately in warrior mode, and his hand reaches for his lightsaber, despite its uselessness in this situation. Just as he calls for it, urging it to jump from its sleeve to his palm, a hand fills the emptiness and tugs, _hard_.

"Hurry up!" It's Rey, and she's followed by a strangely familiar man and a panicking droid. Kylo finds himself following Rey, kicking up sand as they bolt toward one of the many abandoned ships. Their target is blown up immediately, but Rey handles the situation startlingly well, instantly changing direction. Within moments, they are aboard a ship and then they are in the air.

Kylo flings himself into the copilot seat next to Rey, still clutching to his son with one arm whilst following Rey's orders.

He had always pictured this, his flee from the First Order. While he had sometimes entertained the thought of Rey coming along, it had never been like this, however; with a droid and a stranger. And they had been coming after him, not-

Who were they coming after?

He turns his gaze to the droid and hears the stranger shout in the background. It had to be one of them, and when he found out... But he, unfortunately, could not focus on strangling the one who had stolen his son's peaceful life from him right now. He had other things to worry about.

"Kylo! Shields up, now!" Rey screams, the panic apparent in her voice. Kylo swivels to activate the shields and from the back of the ship he hears the stranger choke out,

" _Kylo? Kylo Ren_?"


	2. Chapter 2

Once they're out of the atmosphere of Jakku, Kylo releases a breath he hadn't the slightest clue he was holding. Now he longs for nothing more than to throw himself at the problem. And so he does.

He stands slowly, Anakin slipping off his lap and gathering his footing. He runs to Rey, throws his arms around her legs and clings as though his life depended on it. Kylo steps forward, his expression beyond one of pure rage. He turns to the droid first - it is the closest. But just as he opens his mouth to speak, the strange boy stumbles down the hall of the ship and puts himself between him and the robot.

He lifts his hand and in a single moment, he's rifling through his mind. It is an interesting, if empty place. It has been touched by the brainwashing technology of the First Order, and he remembers little due to the constant reconditioning.

"Stormtrooper," he hisses, and his eyes flit nervously between Rey and Kylo. He digs deeper, prodding for his identification code. "FN-2187."

"It's Finn," he says, and it seems he's mustered a ridiculous amount of bravery for these few words. Of course, anyone in their right mind would fear him, regardless of where he now stands with the First Order. He cannot tell where he stands either, but that matters not. There is too much danger now in keeping him alive, not if he could send a message at any time to the First Order, to inform them of their whereabouts.

He feels his life sizzle in his grasp, but FN-2187 still holds on, still fights. And then there's a cry and he releases FN-2187 with a start, stumbling backwards, and turning towards the sound with a crazed look.

"Stop it, Kylo," Rey demands, and Kylo can see she's shaking, she's terrified, looking at Kylo with wide eyes, as if she had never seen him before. Kylo supposes she never has. Not his real, true side, at least. But that's not what stops him in his tracks.

Still clinging to Rey's leg, Anakin is quivering, his fingers white with how tightly he clenched her robes. His eyes were wide, watering on the verge of tears. Horror rushes over Kylo like none he's felt before, and he finds himself dropping to his knees. Anakin only ducks further behind Rey's leg, and whatever Kylo has left of a heart shatters.

"Ani..." he said, and his voice is soft. He reaches out, only to withdraw as if burnt. He opens his mouth, finds he has nothing to say, nothing he could offer as any amount of comfort to his son. He was terrified, and not of any nightmares that could be soothed with gentle words and warm embraces. He was terrified of him.

His eyes flicker back to FN-2187, who is gasping on the floor with BB-8 beeping frantically in the background. He inches forward. Anakin doesn't move, and he reaches out to gently cup his face in his hands. "Ani, I'm sorry. Don't be afraid. Anakin..."

They all jump as an explosion echos in the background, and the hiss of gas fills the air. Rey casts half a glance at the two of them and then she's taken off, dragging the droid and FN-2187 in tow, and leaving Kylo and Anakin to themselves. He hears the stormtrooper distantly shout, "you can't leave a child with- with that monster!" to which Rey seems to mumble some response, and then the conversation is lost to the emergency they are facing. Kylo ignores it in favour of pulling his son to his chest, cradling him as he rocks back.

Anakin's burst into tears, bawling openly into his father's tunic, and he cards his fingers through his dark hair until his sobs have subsided into sniffles. He pulls away and uses the pad of his thumb to wipe away the tears from his eyes. Anakin looks up at him and takes a deep, shuddering breath.

"Scary," Anakin whispers, so quietly he could hardly hear it over the clanking of Rey fixing whatever had exploded. "Daddy..."

"I know, Ani," Kylo whispers, and presses a kiss against the toddler's forehead. "I won't do it again."

Anakin searches his father's eyes, before giving a firm nod and holding out his fist, his pinky sticking out. It was a silly thing Rey had taught him, and while Kylo never really understood, or cared, he gave in and linked his pinkie with the toddler's. "Promise?"

Kylo smiled softly and shook their pinkies. "I promise."

Not even two seconds later, Rey flings herself into the cockpit and starts slamming random buttons. She's clearly in a panic, and it doesn't take Kylo long to figure out why. The controls have been jammed, overridden as they are pulled into a bigger space craft.

The dread settles within Kylo, a creeping cold he could not escape. He quickly gathers Anakin into his arms, suddenly feeling very, very small. He hears FN-2187 and Rey talking behind him, panicked, but he can't understand. His breathing is tight, his chest hurts, and a wave of dizziness crashes over him in that instant.

He turns to Rey, and the girl seems to reevaluating him with her sharp eyes. There's hurt, betrayal, and Kylo assumes the FF-2187 told Rey exactly who he was. But beneath it, there was also concern, and some sort of twisted affection. Kylo meets her eyes. "I can't go back Rey, I can't go back, they'll take him away."

It's then that they snap into action, and Rey is dragging him away. The ship seems to be built for smuggling, because they have compartments that they easily slip into. Rey helps Kylo and Anakin slip into the first one, before joining FN-2187 and the droid in another.

They wait with bated breaths. Anakin does not understand why he must hide, and when he goes to question his father, he hushes him. He's obeys, his mouth snapping shut and instead busies himself burying his face in his father's chest.

Distantly, the latch slips open and he hears footsteps. But it's not the orderly stomp of stormtroopers rushing in to evaluate the ship, nor is it the singular steps of a high ranked military officer. From what he can tell of their footsteps... It is simply some smugglers. But that doesn't mean the smugglers will not turn them over to the First Order. The threat is still very real, but perhaps he could use the Force, convince them to leave this ship...

There is a loud clang from the compartment next to him and in an instant, the smugglers were in the room, pulling the flooring up. He hears startled gasps from the others, frantic beeping from BB-8. Then a very familiar voice demands, "where are the others?"

It's like leaving ten problems behind and being faced with another twenty. There's no way Kylo could face _him_ , not now and certainly not with Anakin. It's not something he's ready to talk about - he couldn't talk about, and he'll ask questions. He knows he will...

"There's no one else here. We piloted it alone," Rey insists, much to his surprise. There's a note of something Kylo can't place in her voice. He assumes its conflict. After FN-2187 told Rey who he was... he was sure she would have no problem betraying him. Kylo glanced down at Anakin, who looked up at him with wide, fearful eyes, and realizes the reason for conflict. She's not doing this for Kylo, formerly one of the most powerful people within the First Order regime, but Anakin, an innocent child she had been with since his first hours.

He heaves a sigh, reaching up and pushing at the floorboard that hides him. It wiggles, and then there is someone lifting it off. Han is glaring at Rey, for lying, and Rey herself is looking horrified at Kylo for giving himself and Anakin away. He turns his gaze back from Rey the exact same moment his father does.

There's a few moments he doesn't seem to comprehend what he's seeing, and he's already heaved himself out of the compartment before Han can fully recover.

"Han Solo," he greets, colder than he probably deserves. He doesn't flinch, just reaches out for, as though he was just a mirage, not the physical, living, breathing form of his son.

"Ben," he breathes, and his voice is broken. Kylo feels a pang in his heart. "We thought... you were dead."

"That's what they told everyone," FN-2187 adds with a scowl, and he's rubbing at his neck. Kylo is curious about this, but now is not the time, because Han's eyes have landed on his son, and he instinctively moves to hide him. It's too late though, because Anakin has become fascinated with the new person, and wriggles in his arms.

"Who's that?" He asks, looking up at his father for the explanation. He sighs, because this is a conversation he never planned on having with him. He had always expected the order to find him before his family did. Well, sometimes life surprises us.

"That, Anakin, this is my father," he says, and would have enjoyed the gasps of surprise if he wasn't so upset at the entire situation. But he couldn't lie his way out of this, and part of him found he didn't have any desire to. Without the light and the dark tugging at him, telling him what to think and what's right and what's wrong, it is simply too exhausting to continue hating his father. He doesn't think he ever did, really. "He's your grandfather."

Anakin has only ever had Kylo and Rey. Kylo doesn't talk about his family, but Rey talks enough about hers that Anakin understands the meaning of "grandfather." He understands that his small world has just opened up to yet another person. Anakin's eyes light up, excited to give another his immediate naive trust and love.

"Grandpa," Anakin tests the word, and then claps happily. "Grandpa! Grandpa!"

FN-2187 seems to have put the pieces together within his mind, and is looking between Anakin and Kylo with a distinct look of horror that Kylo would have found entertaining any other day. He has stepped behind Rey, as though she could protect him. Rey has probably not noticed this, as her eyes are locked on Han, starstruck admiration for the former smuggler and war hero.

Han Solo looks as though he might faint.

Good.


	3. Chapter 3

"I'm not bringing him onto your ship," Kylo tells his father, and his voice is firmer than he thought he would manage. He had never been the most authoritative figure without his helmet's voice changer (Oh, how he missed it.) Perhaps it's parenting that did this to him. "Knowing you, you're smuggling something dangerous, and there is more than one party hunting you down as we speak. I will not put Anakin in danger."

"You can't stay here alone," Han argues, and even after so many years, he's as difficult to read as when Kylo was a young boy. Han knows him too well and even without the force he can skim the surface of his thoughts with a single glance. He can tell he wants to run, run, run, and never look back. And he would, without hesitation, if it means his son may be safe.

But he cannot flee now. He knows his father will not allow him to. And being the stubborn fool he is, he will not flee with him, despite the impending danger that lies in remaining on this ship. His best bet is to fight alongside him, and flee with Anakin and Rey when they have lowered their guard.

"You have other things to worry about," he because he feels the presence of unwanted visitors nudging at him. It only causes more panic and he wants more than ever to _flee_. "Someone's come to pay you a visit. I feel their approach. I will help you deal with them, but they cannot know." Kylo takes a deep breath. "No one can know about Anakin."

Kylo leaves no room for argument as he raises his eyes to meet his father's. Kylo knows what Han thinks he's seeing, a hint of something good, the tiniest shred of his beloved son. But he isn't. Han is looking at someone new. Not his precious child, but not Kylo Ren either.

There is a grumbled roar, and he turns his eyes to Chewbacca. He seems to hesitate on his proposal, before agreeing with a tight nod.

"Ani, you're going to stay on the ship with Uncl... With Chewie," he explains, and then adds, "and BB-8." Anakin stares wide eyed as his mom places him down carefully on the seat, but doesn't seem all too put off by the idea. "Rey and I are going with your Grandpa."

At this, Anakin seems to panic, but BB-8 rolls over. Their beeping seems to sooth the child, even though Anakin understands binary about as well as he understands Huttese. Anakin releases Kylo's sleeve, allowing him to straighten up and take a step back.

He faces Chewie. He gazes at him and Kylo wonders if he remembers how he used to announce to everyone that Chewie was his favourite uncle, always to Luke's chagrin. "If there is any danger, you will fly this ship away, with or without me," his voice dips down low, dangerous, and he doesn't think anyone on this ship has heard this tone from him before, "I do not care how many lives it takes to save his. It is over my dead body that the First Order takes him."

* * *

Kylo had been right about his father smuggling something dangerous. He just hadn't assumed it would be alive. Rathtars, at that. The man was utterly insane. Kylo wondered how they got them aboard in the first place, just as one of the creatures attempted to attack through the thick glass. Behind him, he felt Rey and Finn jump, but he simply sneered at the beast.

If anything, it certainly explained the lack of a crew. It's just a pity his father hadn't been eaten as well. It would have saved him plenty of trouble.

"How many are we expecting?" Han asks, knocking him from his fantasy of watching his father be consumed by hungry Rathtars.

"Two small parties, numbers unknown," he says. They have already docked their ships, and he expects they will burst in any moment. He rests his hand on his lightsaber at his side, as if to reassure himself it was still there. "Who the hell did you piss off this time?"

Han scowls in response but has no time to snap something back because the alarms have gone off. Instead, he lifts up one of the grates and urges them to hide. How noble of him, to try and keep them from getting involved as if they aren't already. He simply scowls at him pointedly, and he seems to get the point.

The grate has just settled in place above Finn and Rey's head when one of the doors swings open, revealing one of the small groups. By the look of it, they didn't come to talk. Not that he expected anyone on the bad end of a business deal to want to talk.

He zones most of them out, choosing instead to mentally prepare for the fight that awaited him. Two years without a fight had left him itching for this moment, but it also left him rusty and severely out of practice. He could not afford to make a mistake.

"You know... The First Order is looking for three fugitives and a droid," One of the men barks, and they have his attention. Three? After Jakku, he would be stupid to believe he and Rey were not marked. But Three? Kylo's thoughts immediately jumped to Anakin, but even if they saw his escape, they should not have been able to see him. That left the stormtrooper, but that would mean... He had been running, he had deflected, and he had nearly killed him in front of his son for no reason.

Well, he certainly wasn't going to apologize.

"And why should I care?" Han's voice is steady throughout his lie.

"Because that one behind you with you matches the description perfectly," the man says as if this was reason enough for Han to hand him and the others over. The man's voice is confident enough that he clearly does not know who he's dealing with. "Hand over the other fugitives and the droids and we'll forget about all of this."

Han reaches for his blaster defiantly, and many things happen at once.

Firstly, Kylo is holding his activated saber before his father can withdraw his blaster and has blocked four shots with ease. It lights up the hall, and he can feel its raw power, as bright as the light it emanates. It is a comfort to hold. A comfort he knew he missed desperately but never dared to indulge himself with.

Secondly, someone (he's certainly not naming names, _Rey_ ) in an attempt to fix the situation, has made it infinitely worse by freeing three raging, starving Rathtars. After living each day fearing the arrival of the First Order on his doorstep, his terror barely registers on the scales. It's his father that drags him out of harm's way, though, and then they're bolting through the twisting passages.

The sounds of screaming and frantic blasters follow them, but it's a sound Kylo has learnt to ignore well. He needs to get to the ship, to protect Anakin no matter what. So he and his father scramble from chamber to chamber, until all that is left between them and the _Millennium Falcon_ is a single door. He wastes no time fiddling with controls, simply slamming his lightsaber into the panel. The door swings open, and within seconds they're boarding the ship, and they aren't the only ones.

Kylo is relieved seeing Rey and FN-2187 rush aboard, but he doesn't dwell on it because his father is shouting orders at everyone. Anakin is curled safely in the furry grasp of Chewbacca, and while he looks slightly frightened, it is clear he is safe. With this assurance, Kylo rushes to follow Han's orders.

Within minutes, they have hit lightspeed and they are rushing through space. Kylo takes this time to recover his son from Chewbacca, and he is quick to climb into his arms. It's an instant relief to hold him, to feel his breath against his neck as he curls against him. His dark hair tickles his chin and he realizes he's shaking.

He falls heavily into the nearest seat and clings to his son life a lifetime as he holds the tears back. They're looking for him, they're looking for him and the stormtrooper and the droid and the fragile peace he had become accustomed to had finally shattered. He had always known, but he had never expected it to hit him so hard.

In one day, his life had done a complete one-eighty. Life on Jakku had been hard. It had been hot and sandy and they often had days they found themselves starving, but it had been simplistic. It had been survival. Now he didn't have that. He couldn't drop off the map again. Not with his father knowing of his situation, not with the First Order aware of his sudden activity.

Kylo, by some miracle, keeps himself from bursting into tears. He's still shaking when Anakin eventually drifts off to sleep in his arms and watching him sleep soundly seems to bring him back to solid ground. When he looks up, Han and Rey have joined them in the main hold. FN-2187 is sitting, as far away from him as he could while remaining in the same room, and he sends him a nasty glare.

"You, FN-2187." The ex-stormtrooper jumps at being addressed as such but does not correct him. "Does the First Order truly believe me to be dead?"

He looks startled at this question, but nods. "That's what they told us. When you went missing. Snoke killed you for deflecting."

He skims his thoughts for any hint of a lie, but there is none. Snoke turned him into an example, proof of what happens when you go against the First Order. But that does not mean he has stopped looking for him. After his betrayal, he would give up no opportunity to punish him for his insolence.

"So you weren't sent after us?"

FN-2187's eyes flicker down to the sleeping toddler in his arms, and back to his face in an instant. "Of course not. I helped a prisoner escape, we crashed on Jakku. They were after the droid, not me!"

The droid. Of course. He spins on Rey, who is deadly calm in the face of Kylo's anger.

"What's the droid carrying that's so damn important?" he spits, perhaps with more fire than necessary. Rey didn't deserve his anger.

"Oh, it's..." She glances at the droid, to Han to Kylo. She dips his head and admits, "It's a map. To Luke Skywalker. BB-8 has to deliver it to the resistance."

Both he and Han suck in a breath. In any other world, one where he hadn't deflected the First Order, he could see himself jump at the chance to find his old teacher. Snoke would have expected it of him, to find him and end Luke's life. In this world, he simply sighs in defeat and slumps back in his seat. He closes his eyes and tells himself to take a deep breath.

"You're... Han Solo," Rey begins reluctantly, "Are the legends true, did you know him? Luke Skywalker?"

Kylo lets out a snort of laughter, and when he opens his eyes, his cold gaze lands on his father. "He knew him alright," he mutters and the venom drips from every word, "tell them how well you knew Uncle Luke, Dad ."

Han glares back, but his heart isn't in it. Instead, he turns to face an awestruck Rey with a look of defeat. "I knew him, before he went into hiding..." He takes a deep breath, and his eyes flicker to Kylo, who is doing his best to look aloof. "He was training the next generation of Jedi and... his apprentice turned on him. He blamed himself and went into hiding."

Kylo doesn't feel guilt, but he doesn't feel good either, so he stands and marches from the room without making eye contact. He can feel the rush of discomfort that settles over the room with his silent admittance. He can feel his father's sadness and Rey's confusion and Finn's fear.

He collapses onto the rickety, dusty cots in the crew's quarters, instantly curling himself around Anakin. He sleeps on, oblivious to the world, oblivious of his father's hideous past, and of the dangers that lie in their future.

His father's words have struck a nerve and before he knows it, he is muffling sobs into a hard, under stuffed pillow. It is many moments before he can calm down, and when he does, he forces herself to match Anakin's breathing.

It seems like hours later when Rey comes in to check on him. When she does, she is a stew of emotions - sadness, betrayal, confusion, but always with that lingering foolish hopefulness and fondness and love. Kylo feels his chest tighten because it's not just Anakin it's directed at, but him as well.

He can't face Rey. When the girl approaches the bunk, he pretends to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Kylo is no longer pretending to sleep when his father lands the ship on Takodana, and no one bothers to awaken him. The last day has been emotionally and physically taxing on him, and his sleep is deep and dreamless.

It doesn't last long, and Kylo wakes up muffling a scream into a pillow. He feels tears prickle at his eyes and... He has never felt such anguish and fear and... destruction. When his muffled scream comes to an end, he is left writhing in pain and his face is wet with tears. His chest heaves and he forces himself to just _breath_.

Easier said than done. It doesn't help that besides him, Anakin has stirred and is looking up at him sleepily.

"'M hungry," Anakin announces despite looking as though he may drift off to sleep again in an instant. Kylo hasn't recovered, but he raises shakily to his feet. Anakin takes the opportunity to stretch his limbs before making himself comfortable again.

"Stay here. I will try to find something on this ship," Kylo promises, and his son already asleep once more before he has left the room.

The other's have already left the ship. He could feel their lack of presence from the moment he had awoken. For brief moments, he considered stealing the _Millennium Falcon_ before they could return, but no. It was too difficult to pilot alone, and there was a very high chance that the next time he gets caught in a tractor beam, it very well could be the First Order. He needs something smaller, more inconspicuous.

But right now he needs food, and after scouring the ship, he comes up empty-handed. He hadn't expected it to be stocked well after sitting around like garbage in Jakku for however many years. But he's fortunate. The planet his father had landed them on is lush and green, and he's bound to find something to eat.

He returns to the sleeping quarters. Without waking his son, he finds a blanket and folds it into a makeshift sling. He ties it carefully, expertly, as Rey showed him to do when they would take Anakin scavenging when he was but a newborn. He is heavier now, and the weight against him is awkward for a few moments, but he grounds himself soon enough.

With Anakin safely tucked against him with his hands-free, he makes his way from the ship. He has no intention of coming back and does not look back. He can sense a highly populated area not far from the ship, so he carefully avoids it and remains in the outskirts of the forest.

It is scarce, but he finds some familiar wild berries that he has not eaten in years. His mouth waters at their taste - blissful after so many years of rations in the desert, and he wakes up Anakin. He eyes the unfamiliar food before shoving it in his mouth, and his eyes widen at the sudden sweetness. He had never tasted anything sweet before, and he was quick to demand more.

After that, he didn't go back to sleep, instead choosing to marvel at the canopies of trees and lush nature that surrounded them. It was like nothing he had ever seen before. Occasionally, he picked berries. He would eagerly stuff them into his mouth until he had eaten his fill, at which point he stored them away for later.

"Kylo?" Rey's voice surprised him, and he spins to face the girl.

Rey looks stricken with panic, her eyes wide and sweat on her brow. She's running away. From what, Kylo hasn't the slightest idea but he's not sure if he wants to know. BB-8 is trailing behind him, beeping frantically.

"What are you doing out here?" Kylo asks, but Rey doesn't seem to have answer. She just gapes, and then slams her mouth shut. Kylo prods gently at her mind, but Rey's guards are up in an instant. Kylo backs out immediately, only to find Rey is staring at him, a determined look on her face.

"Let's go, Kylo. We'll bring BB-8 to the resistance, and we'll go home, we'll go back to Jakku. They won't expect us to return, we can go back to normal-," Rey is grasping at nothing as if her solution to this problem was in any way reasonable. But it slips through her fingers like the sand on that hell planet she wishes to return to. "Let's steal a ship. We can do it."

"You may be able to," Kylo says. "But I cannot. The First Order knows I've become active again. They want me dead before anyone finds out Snoke let me slip from his grasp." He looks down at Anakin, who is watching Rey with confusion. He has never seen Rey in such disarray. Then he turns his gaze back to BB-8 and he hates himself for what he's going to say. "Go. Steal a ship and return home. This isn't your battle."

"But... BB-8, Finn..."

Kylo takes a deep breath, then sighs in defeat. He wants to run with her, but he can't drag Rey any further into his mess. After everything she's done for them, everything she's done for Anakin, he owes her this much. "I will take BB-8 with Han Solo. He'll know where to find my mothe-, er, General Organa."

"Your mother is-?" Rey looks stunned, but she doesn't get another word in before an explosion sounds nearby. They both turn, startled, to see the ships filling the sky. Kylo feels the blood drain from his face.

"Go, now!" Kylo urges, but Rey seems to be frozen. Kylo lets out a groan and pushes the younger woman. "They don't want you. Just find a ship and get back home."

He doesn't wait for the answer, and instead bolts off with a shout for BB-8 to follow him. BB-8 beeps nervously at Rey, and then races off into the forest after Kylo.

* * *

Kylo does not want to face his mother, does not want to return to his father. Fate almost let him have his way. The resistance had come to their aid, bringing the battle to an end shortly after it began. He could feel the presence of another force user, and the gentleness of meant it could be none other than his mother.

He stands at the edge of the forest, hidden by the trees as a ship lands amongst the rubble. The hatch swings open, and medical personnel flood through to begin attending to the injured. Kylo forces himself to breath as _she_ steps off the ramp, right into his father's arms, and then he whispers something into her ear and she gasps, scanning the area.

Kylo ducks, but doesn't matter. Leia has stretched out, attempting to reach him with the force. It's a gentle nudge, a knock at the door, but Kylo doesn't answer.

He kneels down in front of the droid.

"Anakin, BB-8 has to go now," Kylo says softly. Anakin wriggles and lets out a cry. He silences him with a look. "BB-8 has a mission to complete. You won't be seeing them again. Say goodbye."

The droid lets out a pitiful series of beeps that matches his son's upset cry. He sets him down on the ground, and he stumbles to wrap his arms around the droid. He can't reach all the way around, but the droid seems to appreciate the gesture. When he steps back, he sniffles, "goodbye."

The droid hums anxiously, before bolting out of the bushes towards the resistance fighters. Anakin immediately starts to cry, and Kylo collects him into him arms. He lets him cry as he walks away, deeper into the forest. He will return for a ship when resistance has departed and the commotion has calmed.

Anakin doesn't have the energy to cry for long. He soon settles against his father and lets his sobs turn into sniffles. He had barely fallen asleep when Kylo senses someone rabidly approach. He whips his saber out, turning to face the oncoming threat.

FN-2187 screeches to a stop, just barely saving himself from being impaled on the dangerous red blade of light.

"FN-2187," he acknowledges, and his lightsaber deactivates in his hand. He knows FN-2187 cannot and will not hurt him, and is confident enough in this to return his weapon to his holster.

"It's Finn, not FN-2187," Finn snaps, surprising Kylo. He straightens as if to appear as more of a threat. He still falls a few inches shorter than Kylo, but Kylo is taken aback by his sudden change in demeanor. "... Rey. They took her. They took Rey."

Kylo feels his blood run cold. Why would they... They had no reason to take him. She had no information about the resistance. They could not force themselves within his mind to extract every last detail of information. He would know, that had been his job... Unless...

He doesn't spare another glance at the ex-stormtrooper. Instead, he's bolting back towards the destruction, to his mother and father, to the resistance. He bursts out of the trees and attempts to book it to the large aircraft that rests in the center of the wreckage.

He's stopped halfway there, an arm reaching out and jerking on his shoulder. It sends him off balance and he tumbles. Unable to catch himself, his first instinct is to wrap himself protectively around Anakin, the next to position himself so he falls on his ass. Immediately, Kylo tugs up the blankets on the makeshift sling to protect Anakin from prying eyes.

"Sorry, I'm sorry," the man seemed surprised, holding out his hand to help. Kylo raised his eyes from the hand to its owner, and felt his heart thud painfully in his chest. Poe Dameron, his childhood best friend, looks at him with concern. Until he realizes who it is. His hand drops to his side, and Kylo watches the concern warp into shock. "Ben Solo."

"It's Kylo," Kylo spits, and wastes no time clambering to his feet. He turns, but he's already been surrounded by resistance members that have been drawn to the ruckus. Their expressions vary from anger to shock to horror, and Kylo feels like an injured, cornered animal as he attempts to hide Anakin from view.

His mother is, for once, is his saving grace. The crowd splits for the general, and then he's wrapped up in his mother's embrace. It's soft and warm and he melts into it subconsciously.

Kylo forces himself to pull away when Anakin makes himself known, squirming against his chest. He avoids his mother's eyes as he pulls away, instead choosing to fixate on the ground between them. He nudges a stone with his foot. He can't help but feel as though he were a scolded child once more. His mother has a way of doing that to him.

"Can we go somewhere," Kylo asks, and waves his arm towards the crowds surrounding them, "more private?"

He meets his mother's eyes as he makes the request. Her lips are drawn in a tight line, but her eyes betray her happiness and relief at seeing him.

"Of course," she agrees, and with a firm hand on his back, General Leia leads her son from the battleground towards, surprisingly, the _Millennium Falcon_. With Kylo no longer being a focus of attention, the resistance fighters jump to complete their jobs. Kylo has barely stepped into the forest when the order is given to regroup at the resistance base.

Finn is sitting in the main hold when they climb aboard the ship. BB-8 rests beside him and Kyly can hear his father's cursing coming from the cockpit. Han doesn't greet them, instead focuses on getting the ship into the air, which proves to be more of a challenge after all of the tinkering it had been through on Jakku. It's only when General Leia interrupts him to inform him of the coordinates that he looks at them. His gaze softens at the sight of his son and wife, together after so many years apart.

There is hope in his eyes. Kylo wants to tell him it's not worth it to hope, but with his mother's hand resting gently on his arm, he doesn't have it in him.


	5. Chapter 5

Leia takes the news of Anakin's existence better than Han, but that's to be expected. Kylo's mother has always handled situations with an enviable amount of calmness. Then again, after everything she's seen and been through in her life, it is not a shock that she is difficult to surprise. It is something Kylo has always admired about him, even if he does not admit it.

Kylo does appreciate the warmth with which Leia accepts Anakin, who has become intrigued by the new person. Anakin has always been without a "mother", in the traditional sense, but he understands the word and is quick to associate Leia with "grandma". While remaining curious about her, he has never been one to shy away from new things. This has extended to people over the last twenty-four hours and he is more than happy to curl up in Leia's lap. General Leia is more than happy to hold him.

"Grandchildren are a thing I never believed I would live to see," she muses as Anakin presses a small palm against her cheek and follows her movement with wide eyes. She smiles fondly at him in response, to which Anakin returns a shy smile. "He must take after his other father. You were never so agreeable as a child."

Kylo knows she's curious and that this is her gentle way of nudging the answer out of him. For a brief moment, Kylo considers telling her, but then shut his mouth just as quickly. There is no easy way to tell her who Anakin's father is, so he doesn't. It will come up eventually, and when that time comes, he will deal with it. As things stand currently, he has far more pressing matters to attend to anyways.

"I trust you too felt the destruction of the Hosnian system earlier? At the hands of Starkiller Base," Kylo asks, and he does not break eye contact with his mother. His expression is tight, his stomach twisting painfully as if calling him out for betraying the First Order. It is, quite coincidentally, the same feeling he got - and continues to get, really - each time he recalls how he turned against his family and the resistance. "It will not be long until it discovers the planet you hide your resistance base on. It will annihilate another system." He pauses as if to let the words take effect. "I wish to help you destroy it before that comes to be."

Eyebrows shoot up and it's not just the General's. Kylo can feel the stormtrooper's startled gaze baring into him. It's an easy presense to block out, but his mother's is not so. She has always been able to read Ben like a book; reading Kylo isn't much different. She can feel his unease, his hesitation, his desire to do anything but help the resistance. General Leia frowns.

"For two years you have fled from the First Order," she says after what feels like an eternity. "And now you are willing to help us destroy the base? Their most powerful weapon?"

Now Kylo ducks his head, instead choosing to stare at Anakin. He's begun to nod off in his grandmother's arms. His peaceful expression seems to solidify Kylo's resolve, and he gives a firm nod. "FN-21... I mean, Finn," again, he sense the stormtroopers surprise, "is more likely to know more about Starkiller Base. When I left it was still being constructed, and I had no part in the plans. The layout is a mystery to me. But I do know the people, and I can get us on and off the base with minimum detection. If you allow me to lead a small party, we can take it apart from the inside."

General Organa purses her lips, looking at Kylo appraisingly. She's always been able to see right through her, though. "What are you conditions?"

"I have two," Kylo says, and if these negotiations were going well at all, that was about to plummet. "Firstly, a... friend of mine was taken by the First Order today. She must be safely recovered from the starkiller base. I have to get her before Snoke she is present to him."

"There is a possibility that Snoke is baiting you-."

"You think I don't know that?" Kylo snaps, before Leia could finish speaking. "I know the only reason she's there is to lure me in. She is useless to them as anything other than bait. But if I don't go, Snoke will force himself into Rey's mind. He will peel back each and every layer, find each and every weakness. He will put her through the most excruciating pain until he finds what he wants." Kylo would know. During his time amongst the _Finalizer_ , this had been his job. His absence would not stop them. "When he is done, she will not know what is real and what is fake, and... Snoke will have learnt about Anakin. He will use Anakin against me as well."

The General simply nodded in reply. She loved her son, but refused to pity him. He had made the mistakes, and it was his job to live with them. Kylo was glad for this, as he does not think he can stand receiving pity from her after everything he has done. "And your second condition?"

Her eyes told him she already had an idea of what he was going to request. There was a resigned disapproval that tugged her lips downwards into a frown.

"Anakin's father... my husband, is aboard that vessel," he says, and he hears a sharp intake of break from not just his mother, but his father and Finn too. It had been a quiet, secret affair, much like his grandfather and grandmother's, and it was strange claiming the man as his husband outloud. "Once he learns I am on the planet, he will come after me. To him, I am first and foremost a traitor of the First Order. Being his husband will not stop him from taking my life on Snoke's orders."

Leia's allowed her expression to drop into one of concern; her eyebrows have knit together and her lips are pursed. "And what do you wish for us to do?"

"You cannot hurt him," Kylo says. He hears the pleading tone in his own voice and quickly corrects it. "He cannot be harmed by the Resistance. In the event that we are forced to flee with him, and I will not leave him on that planet as it blows up, he will not be treated as a prisoner of war."

"Surely you realize we-."

"Will do exactly as I demand if you wish for my assistance," Kylo says coldly. He knew it would be a struggle to convince his mother of his terms. She wasn't a stupid woman, and he had already volunteered too much information about Anakin's father for her to not have her guesses as to who he is. She must, because that is the only reason her voice would waver,

"He may kill you."

"I am well aware."

"You are willing to leave Anakin parentless?"

Kylo doesn't answer and Leia heaves a sigh. Her eyes rest on Anakin and perhaps she is considering how she never knew her real father. Perhaps she is disappointed in Kylo for so easily leaving the same fate to little Anakin. Regardless, she nods, and it's so small and hesitant that Kylo may have missed it had he not been watching so intently. "I make no promises but we will do our best."

* * *

"Best" was not what Kylo had in mind, but it was all he was going to get with someone like his mother. He had gotten his stubbornness from her, after all. There are a thousand possible outcomes, and the more he dwells on it, the worse they get. After imagining himself captured by the First Order, tortured by Snoke, watching Brendol kill Anakin and himself, loyal to the first order above all else- he forces himself to think of other things.

Instead, he imagines what meeting his husband again after two years apart would be like. The thought strikes him as he watches Finn stumble across the landing after BB-8, straight into Poe Dameron's arms. Kylo's does not bother imagining his reunion with Brendol to be anything similar. Rather, he imagines blood and tears and pain. Perhaps this is not the best distraction either.

Kylo is not far behind the ex-stormtrooper, and Poe looks startled to see him. But not angry. Never angry. His childhood friend had too much good in him than to let the hate shine through like the others who glare daggers into his back.

The hug from Poe is unexpected, and quite unwelcome. He stands stiff as a board in the other man's embrace until he releases and slings an arm around Finn's shoulder as if they were old buddies. The three of them begin to walk towards the main building, where Leia surely had begun discussing battle plans with the rest of the resistance. Eyes follow them with distrust.

"Welcome back, Benny," Poe teases with that twinkle in his eyes, and Kylo scowls.

"It's Kylo," he insists, already antsy around so many people. After two years of only Anakin and Rey for company, it is uncomfortable to be around so many people. Worse, Leia had insisted on keeping Anakin's presence as inconspicuous as possible, and his arms feel strangely bare without Anakin's comfortable weight resting in them. He does not want to focus on how empty he feels without Anakin, and instead watches as Poe's lips tug into a half-hearted frown. "Don't worry, I won't be around long."

"Sure, sure. Just don't be a stranger while you're here," Poe says after a moment, and his grin is back, accompanied by a bark of laughter. Kylo's unsure if his words are directed at him or Finn, who has taken to practically hiding inside of Poe's old jacket, before deciding it was definitely both.

"That might be easier said than done considering we are both recently deflected member of the First Order," Kylo says cooly, "We are not exactly amongst friends or even allies."

Poe's lighthearted expression dropped as they entered the building. Kylo is not surprised. He still doesn't look mad, but instead pensieve, regarding Kylo with tired eyes. It is the same expression he gave Kylo when they were children, when Ben struggled between light and dark, always making the wrong choices and never allowing Poe to help him.

"The fact you went against them, that you left... That's more that we could say about most," he says finally, after many moments spent regarding the two of them. "We... You might not be the boy I grew up with, Ben, Kylo, whatever you want to be called. It doesn't matter. I'm happy you're back."

Kylo doesn't have anything to say to that. What could he say? He's not happy to be back. It's a constant reminder of what he did, what he's done, what he has the potential to still do. So he chooses not to answer, instead marching away. Behind him, Poe brings his hand down on Finn's shoulder. "Welcome to the Resistance, Finn."


	6. Chapter 6

The rebel stormtrooper (Finn, he reminds himself gently) proves to be even more help than Kylo had originally believed he would be. The boy was perceptive, easily able to point out weak points on the Starkiller Base. Where most stormtroopers were only well versed in the area they are assigned, he seemed to have a greater understanding of the layout than Kylo had originally given him credit for.

There isn't much time to waste, however; the First Order has plans to begin charging their weapon once more before the day is up, and it's only a matter of time before his husband destroys yet another system.

It's taking everything within him to not take Anakin and run. He's done it before, and he could do it again. Kylo is a selfish creature, and only truly cares about the safety of he and his son. If things had been different, if he could have _stayed_ with Hux and his son, he knew he would not hesitate to destroy system after system for Anakin.

His reasons for staying are no more selfless than the rest of him though and he makes sure everyone knows it. Kylo is only helping to rub it in the First Order's face, to show them what they are messing with before they begin to hunt him.

That's what he tells himself at least, but he spends most of the hours before the attack pushing pictures of Rey and Hux from his mind.

* * *

Kylo visits his son as everyone else prepares for battle. Poe accompanies him - he has been the most annoying of shadows since the meeting. Perhaps General Leia had put him up to this, ensuring Kylo did not make good on his fantasy of running away.

Anakin is in General Leia's quarters. Kylo's mother had ordered a droid to watch the boy, who was currently curled up in her bed. He seemed so small on the large mattress. If Poe is surprised to see the boy, he certainly hides it well.

Kylo settles on the edge of the bed, and the mattress dipped under his weight. Still, Anakin slept on until his father reached out and gently gripped Anakin's shoulder. The boy leans into the touch, and then his eyes flutter open.

"Daddy?" Anakin asks sleepily. Kylo has no answer except to collect Anakin in his arms and draw him closer to his chest. Steel blue eyes stare up at him, and Hux's face flashes through his mind again. It strikes him now that he may never come back, that he may never see his son's face again. If Hux's chooses to kill him, not even Anakin could inspire Kylo to fight back.

He doesn't know he's crying until a small palm presses against his cheek. "Daddy? What's wrong?"

He hears Poe exit the room to give Kylo and Anakin their privacy. The door clicks shut behind him and Kylo feels a rush of unwanted gratitude. It would not be the first time Poe had seen Kylo's tears, but Kylo does not think he could stand if the pilot saw him so vulnerable.

His attention flickers immediately back to Anakin, who looks at Kylo as though Kylo were the sun and the moon and the stars. And he was. To Anakin, who never knew anything but dunes of sand and sweltering suns, Kylo was his world. And Kylo is selfish enough to let Hux kill him so that he does not have to fight the other man himself.

Anakin is a still a toddler, he does not understand life and death and loss. But Kylo refuses to sugarcoat the world, to lie to him and tell him everything is alright.

Instead, Kylo presses a kiss against his forehead. "Anakin," he begins softly, "I love you. But I have to go away for a while."

Anakin looks confused. He doesn't understand why Kylo is telling him this. The longest anyone has ever been away from him is when he and Rey would take turns scavenging, and they always came back before the sun goes down.

"You're going to stay with Grandma while I'm gone, so be good to her," Kylo says, and at least Anakin seems to be excited by this. He still doesn't understand why his father was crying though. Either way, he agrees, and tucks his head beneath Kylo's chin. Kylo simply holds him, soaking up his son's energy and love and _light_ , until Anakin has fallen asleep against his him.

Kylo gently lays Anakin down and pulls the sheets over him. When he leaves the room, Poe is nowhere in sight despite his earlier insistence to follow Kylo wherever he goes. Kylo wonders if this is due to some newfound respect (if it was, he certainly didn't want or deserve it) or some sort of twisted act of solidarity, where Poe gives him the chance to take his son and run.

He would have never given Poe the same chance.

* * *

Kylo is _furious_ with his father. The man is going to get them killed before they even disable the shields, and in the miracle that they survive landing at _goddamn lightspeed_ , there is no way this will go unnoticed by the radars. Stormtroopers will swarm the area and they'll be taken captive within mere moments.

They do survive the crash landing, and Kylo can say nothing about the Millennium Falcon if not that it's resilient. Of course, that won't stop the stormtroopers from flooding the area. Finn seems to realize the same thing because as soon as he has recovered from the crash, he is urging them out and guiding them through a lesser used path. They encounter only a small group, which Kylo is able to send on their way after tapering slightly with their mind.

"Okay, so how do you plan on disabling the shields?" Han finally asks, as they huddle in a corner and attempt to form a battle strategy. Finn looks abashed and after a quick, harmless skim of his thoughts (it was hardly necessary of course, he wore everything on his face), Kylo's lip curls in anger.

"You don't know how to disable the shields?" He hisses, and Chewie and Han swing to face the two of them. "What was your position?"

"Sanitation."

"Sanitation?" He's white with rage, absolutely livid. Did Finn think this was a game ? He feels his fists clench at his side, but before he can do anything reckless, Han's hand is on his shoulder. Unsurprisingly, Han is just as angry as him.

"People are counting on us," Han says, and Finn has the decency to look nervous with three angry pairs of eyes on him. "What are we supposed to do?"

"We can just... we can use the force!"

"That's not how the force works!" Both Kylo and Han shout at the same time, then turn to each other. Han seems taken off guard, but Kylo just glares in response. Chewie grumbles something behind them and they turn to him in unison and snap, "Oh, you're cold."

They stare at each other again, and Finn leaps to diffuse the ticking time bomb with an excited, "I have an idea!"

* * *

"Well, well," Phasma says, seeming rather unconcerned to see not one, but two traitors before her. "FN-2187, Kylo Ren. Can't say it is pleasant to see you again."

"I can say the same," Kylo says. He feels Phasma's eyes baring into him knowingly even with her helmet blocking her face. He imagines her lips tugged down into a scowl. Han presses a blaster to her neck, and Kylo deactivates the lightsaber that he previously held to her neck.

"You see Phasma? We're in control now! Not you, us!" With Phasma now at their mercy, Finn has no problem puffing up and talking big, but he is quickly silenced after receiving a look from Han. Kylo can see his father's amusement more than anything, but he's glad the look was intimidating enough to hush the ex-stormtrooper.

Finn leads the way to the control room, and the door slides shut behind them.

"You will deactivate the shields," Kylo orders, and then repeats it to ensure Phasma follows the order. He's not even sure if she would fall for his mind tricks - her willpower was a force in and of itself. But then she's tapping at the board, it beeps harmlessly as the shield deactivates. "And you will inform the base that there are no intruders. It was a false alarm."

"False alarm," Phasma repeats with the smallest nod. She turns and walks out the door, and he feels the smallest twinge of guilt.

"We need to find Rey," Finn insists.

"Knowing her, she's already wormed her way out and is trying to escape," Kylo says. It would make it harder to find her if this was true, but she hoped it was nonetheless. "You guys go after her. I'll start setting up the explosives in the oscillator."

Han hesitates. He looks like he's remembering something. Perhaps it is memories of his son's childhood or the conversation between Kylo and Leia that took place hours previously, when Kylo spoke so easily of the potential death awaiting him on Starkiller Base. Then he pulls Kylo into a hug, and Kylo lets it happen.

(He'll later deny that he hugged his father back and that his eyes watered because he was afraid , more afraid than he had ever been in his life. He'll deny that in the moment he was in Han's arms, everything felt like it would be alright, that his father smelt like home and comfort and safety and he wanted so much to stay with him.)

He wants to stay but he knows he can't. Instead, Kylo is the first to pull away. He turns and runs, and he doesn't look back. He runs until there is enough distance between him that he cannot be tempted by sentimental feelings.

Once he reaches the oscillator, he doesn't have to think about it anymore. Instead he appraises the well built structure, strategically planning the best placement for the bombs. It's a quick process, and he begins carefully placing the explosives. He's nearly complete by the time Han and Chewie join him, and he hears the X-Wing pilots overhead.

They're nearly done, so close getting off this damned rock when he appears.

Kylo can feel his presence immediately, striding calmly into the oscillator as if he were unaware that it were about to blow. Of course he knew, though. General Hux knew everything that happened aboard this damn planet.

Kylo doesn't finish his portion of the explosives, dropping them where he stands and rushing down the nearest ladder. He skips the last few steps, stumbling on his landing, but immediately heading in Hux's direction. He knows he shouldn't - he could never fight Hux, even to defend himself, but...

Kylo couldn't help it. He wanted to see Hux's face again, to see the eyes and lips and nose and freckles he had passed down to their son, to reach out and touch his face, to run his fingers through his hair, to-

And then Hux was in front of him, staring blankly at him in shock. For a few moments, it's as though Hux does not believe that Kylo is truly in front of him. His blaster, previously held in front of him defensively, has dropped to his side as his mouth falls open.

Kylo does not step forward. He is just as frozen at his husband, but he cannot help but choke out, "Hux..."

Hearing his name from Kylo's lips seems to knock Hux out of the strange trance he was in, and his lip curls in anger. He storms forward, until he's in Kylo's face, and he's gripping the front of Kylo's robes in his fist and Kylo could so easily lean in, press their lips together-

And then Hux slams him into the nearest wall and it _hurts_. His head strikes the metal and explodes in pain, but it's only secondary to the the betrayal, really, because Kylo loves Hux so much, more than anything except perhaps Anakin. Hux staring at him with such hate in his eyes is stinging rejection. Kylo reminds himself that he was the one that betrayed first, when he never told Hux or Snoke of the child he carried within him, when he let himself be _weak_ , when he let himself be consumed by the light. He deserves this.

"Ren," Hux _sneers_ , and Kylo flinches. "Decided to show your traitorous face around here again?"

"Thought I should pay my husband a visit," he says snarkily, but his heart isn't in it anymore than he is and he can hear the desperation leaking into his tone. Hux must hear it too, or maybe Kylo is just imagining that Hux's grip weakens for a moment. Slowly, Kylo brings a hand up, reaches out as if to touch Hux's face.

"Don't. Don't touch me," Hux shouts, giving Kylo a rough shake. Kylo's hand freezes a few inches from his cheek. But moments pass, and the resistance has begun their assault on the oscillator, and Hux doesn't move. Kylo takes this time to study him, to see the redness in his eyes and the bags beneath them. His hair, slicked back into its usual fashion, looks dull and unkempt. He's pale, paler than Kylo had ever seen him. His face seems thinner.

"He tortured you," Kylo says, realization dawning on his face. He brings his palm the rest of the way down, cupping Hux's face gently. The man shudders violently beneath his tender caress. "He punished you... for letting me escape. Kriff, Brendol... Hux, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"You know nothing, traitor," Hux bellows, but he doesn't pull away from Kylo's touch. Instead he's frozen like an animal, his eyes wide and angry but also hiding fear. Kylo leans forward and brushes his lips against the shorter man's. It's impulsive, and probably stupid, and when he pulls away, the steel hilt of his own lightsaber is digging into his chest. Hux looks unaffected by the kiss. Kylo wants to recoil at the look of hatred in his eyes. "You're a fool for coming here today, Ren. Surely you should have known I would kill you if you ever stepped foot on any First Order base again?"

Kylo drops his hand from Hux's face, instead dropping to place his hand over Hux's. They stay there, still for a moment. Kylo meets Hux's eyes without fear. "You can... if you need to. It's my fault he ever harmed you," Kylo says softly. "If this is honestly what you must do to keep him from hurting you," Kylo says and his breath catches in his throat when Hux's grip tightens on the hilt. "It's okay."

They stay like this, and time ticks by as explosions echo in the background. Then Hux steps away. Kylo releases the saber and slumps in relief, but it is short lived because just as quickly as he stepped away, Hux has brought the lightsaber about his head, activated it, and brought it down on Kylo in one fluid movement.

"I'm sorry," he says, and Kylo doesn't react. He doesn't know how to react. All he can do is watch Hux's lips move as he repeats his apologies, the pain and anguish on his face lit up by a deadly red -

He doesn't move, but something moves him. It's too late though, and the blade grazed his face, and he falls backwards. There's a cry of pain - more than one, and one of them might have come from his own mouth - as he hits the ground, and a weight falls down with him.

He's pinned to the ground, but he's not dead - which he very well should be - and Hux is looking at him with a horrified look, as if realization of what he had just done has dawned on him. Kylo stares at him blankly for a few moments, until the lightsaber falls from his loose fingers and clangs on the metal ground. Then Kylo's eyes drift down to the crumpled figure in his arms and there's a large slash across the man's back and there's _blood_ \- so much blood, and his eyes meet his father's.


	7. Chapter 7

"Ben..." Han reaches out. His hand is covered in blood and Kylo is frozen in place. Fingers reach up, brush his hair back, and trail down his face. Kylo's working on autopilot when his fingers wrap around his father's giving them a light squeeze. He can feel his eyes water and fuck it if he's going to cry here and now, but he can't help it.

"Dad," Kylo breathes, forcing the tears back. It was supposed to be him, not his father. In this moment he's overwhelmed with a rush of hatred. For his father, who lay dying in his arms, for the man that was about to leave him _again_ , just like he had done time and time again. And Han wouldn't be coming back this time.

"I'm sorry, Ben."

It wasn't hatred bubbling through him at all, Kylo realized. Kylo had never truly hated his father. Not really. Instead it was fear and frustration and confusion. Kylo chokes on a sob. "Don't be sorry. You're not going anywhere. You can't leave mom and I... and Anakin. Don't be uncle Luke, don't desert your family, you bastard."

What a hypocrite he was, saying these things when he had almost left Anakin so willingly. The thought strikes him so suddenly that his grip on Han goes slack. His eyes flicked to Hux, who is still standing frozen. He has not made a move to reclaim his weapon and looks torn. Kylo wants to curse him out, to fight him, but the weight on his chest is keeping grounded.

"Dad, don't..."

Han smiles at Kylo, and then his eyes flutter shut.

Behind them, Chewie has appeared on their floor. He takes in the scene quickly and roars. It is one of pure anguish and he wastes no time raising his crossbow to Hux, who still refuses to move with an angry wookie targeting him.

"No!" Kylo yells, because even though he's heartbroken and covered in his father's blood, even though he wants to cuss the man out with every expletive he knows, he can't just watch him die. Even though he will now wear a scar to mark his husband's betrayal, he still loves him. He knows he can never stop loving Anakin's father. "Please, Chewie. It was my fault. It's all my fault."

He shifts out from under his father. Han is entirely limp, broken, but he's still breathing, he can still see his chest move in shallow breaths, he's still _alive_.

"He's still here. We can save him, we can... Help me," Kylo begs. He's tugging pathetically in an attempt to drag his father's body from the oscillator. He just can't leave him here, to be blown to bits when the planet eventually implodes. Not when he's still alive and can be saved. Chewie is at his side in an instant, gently prying Kylo's fingers away from Han. Instead, he places the detonator in Kylo's grip and heaves Han into his arms. He gives Kylo a look, before turning and sprinting out the door.

Now he is alone with General Hux once more. Han is not around to throw himself between them and Kylo has no more second chances. Kylo does not hesitate to press the button, and the floor beneath them heaves violently as the explosions thunder through the air. He watches as the ceiling of the oscillator crumbles and hopes it's enough to allow the X-Wing pilots a good shot. The light of the sun has nearly vanished from the sky.

He summons his lightsaber and it zips to his hand. Hux still hasn't moved. Instead, he stands stock still, and his eyes are trained on Kylo's face. Kylo wishes he could read his mind but Hux is the one's person he doesn't dare invade. He's too terrified of what he'll find there.

"Anakin," Hux starts, startling Kylo. "Who's Anakin?"

Kylo hesitates to answer. He doesn't want Hux to know, doesn't want Snoke to look into his mind and discover what Kylo has been trying to hide for the last two years. It would make all of this for naught but... He can't lie to Hux, and Hux deserves to know the truth. "Our son."

"Our... son?" Hux questions, as if testing the words on his lips. He wonders if Hux still wants to attack him. He doesn't think Hux could succeed. Actually, he looks as though his legs may give in beneath him at any given moment.

"His name is Anakin Han Hux. He's just over a year and a half," Kylo says slowly. He watches as Hux mentally does the math. "He has your eyes and, kriff, your smile - you know, the real one you rarely use - and your constellations of freckles. From the moment I felt his presence within in me, I knew I couldn't... I couldn't stay here. Snoke would use him against us. I had to protect him, Hux. No one could know he existed."

"Our son," Hux repeats, and his voice has twisted from confused to shocked, though Kylo knows Hux well enough to hear the bitterness beneath his tone. Kylo uses their connection, pushing pictures of their son into Hux's mind. Anakin smiling. Anakin laughing. Anakin's first steps, his first words. Hux recoils, his expression contorted in pain.

"Come with me," Kylo gasps before he can help himself. Hux looks at Kylo as if he had gone mad. And perhaps he did, but if it was so, it had happened two years ago when he had fled without ever telling Hux, giving him the chance he now extends. "Snoke won't hurt you anymore. We can find somewhere quiet, with Anakin, and let this whole thing blow over. The planets about to implode, if we go missing it's just another casualty. No one will think anything of it."

Except they will, and Kylo knows it. Hux knows Kylo knows it. There's no way Hux would ever turn his back on his duty. Not even to save his own skin, or Kylo, or their son who he would never get the chance to know.

The sun has disappeared from the sky and Hux's silence is the only answer he needs. Kylo sends him a regretful look before sprinting past him into the open air. The world is dark and cold, and the icy air hits him like a blaster to the chest. He draws in a shaky breath before running in the direction he believes the _Falcon_ to be.

Hux had come so close to ending his life, he thinks. The secret of Anakin would have all but died with him, and Anakin could be raised under protection of the resistance. Leia and Han would have raised their grandson well. They would have learnt from their mistakes with him. Anakin would have been their second chance. And Anakin... Well, Anakin would forget him. He's too young to retain the memories of his father. He would ask questions one day, but at least he would be happy . Even if it means forgetting Kylo.

Because Anakin could never forget sleepless nights spent running. The feeling of being hunted would follow him into adulthood even if there was a miracle and the war came to an end. He would know fear as intimately as a lover, and it would possess him, consume him, as it did to Kylo so many years ago. As it did to Kylo's grandfather before him.

But he's selfish and he wants to be at Anakin's side to always protect him. Kylo wants nothing more than to live for Anakin, to shield him from the dangers of the world. He wants to see Anakin grow through his childhood, his teenage years, watch him blossom into a strong young adult.

Kylo pushes the negative thoughts from his mind in that instant. They would get him nowhere. Instead he focus on one thing, like a mantra racing through his head.

 _Anakin, Anakin, Anakin._

Kylo's almost at the _Millennium Falcon_ when the explosion sounds behind him. Even from where he stands, a rush of heat from the explosion reaches him, and his ears are left ringing. Beneath him, the ground shudders.

He stops, turning on his heel. He searches frantically for a flash of ginger hair, but there's nothing but clouds of black billowing from the ruins. He swallows hard, finding himself suddenly frozen. Hux couldn't possibly be...

"Kylo?"

"Rey?" He jumps to face the woman who seemed to have appeared out of nowhere. She is breathing heavily and looks utterly exhausted. There are small, finger shaped bruises trailing across her shoulders. Kylo feels a rush of anger at whoever hurt her but reminds himself it's nothing she couldn't deal with. She's had worse either way.

Behind her, Finn is standing on the defensive. In his grip, he's holding a familiar silver lightsaber. At any other time he would have lunged for it, fought tooth and nail for what he knew was his by birthright.

"Are you okay?" Rey asks and Kylo can feel her eyes rake across the cut on her face. It's a mark that he will learn to bare, no matter how much pain it will bring him whenever he looks in the mirror, to be reminded of Hux's burning betrayal.

"I should be asking you that," Kylo says. Even as he reaches out and attempts to probe Rey's mind, she has put up her walls and they are stronger than ever before. She is stronger before, has a presence with the force like one Kylo has never sensed before outside of Uncle Luke. The Force has awakened within her. "They didn't hurt you too badly, did they?"

Rey doesn't look away, or even flinch. She has always been strong. "They wanted to know where you were," she grins and it's almost dangerous, "seems like you were a big shot around here."

Kylo can't help it, he lets out a snort of laughter. He still can't help the nagging worry that she was presented before Snoke, that he has seen into her mind and found Anakin. But Rey is safe, and it's at least one weight off his chest.

Besides, it doesn't really matter either way, because he had just shown Hux their son. If Hux did not die in that explosion, he undoubtedly would report to Snoke and Snoke would see the truth anyways.

Before he could say anything, Rey's arms around are him, pulling him into a bruising hug. He tenses, but hugs her back a moment later. Despite spending the last two years with the girl, he doesn't think he's ever actually embraced her and... it's nice. Even with Finn hovering around in the background. Kylo has a feeling he won't be escaping the ex-stormtrooper anytime soon.

"I hate to ruin this reunion-," Kylo hears the stormtrooper start, but he never finishes. Instead, there's a shout and he and Rey break away from each other when they hear a body hit the ground with a resounding thump. Rey turns to run to Finn's side as the man lets out a cry of pain, but stops in her tracks when she sees who is hovering over her friend.

Even though Hux looks positively murderous and just attacked someone who is technically Kylo's ally, Kylo has never been more relieved in his life. Hux's hair has fallen out of place, his chest is heaving and he when he stumbles forward, it's with the slightest limp but he's alive.

Kylo begins to inch away from Rey and Hux stumbles towards him. Rey takes the opportunity to throw herself at Finn's side, checking over his injuries. Kylo's hand wraps around the hilt of his lightsaber but he does not activate it.

"He told me I couldn't do it," Hux says, and his lips curls in anger. It had never been the most attractive look on him, to be this consumed with rage. Kylo sees Hux gripping a blaster tightly. "Told me I didn't have the strength."

"Do you?" Kylo asks. He knows he's pushing his limits, because this man had already tried to kill him once today. Hux doesn't answer except to lift the blaster, pointing it directly at Kylo's head. Kylo's lightsaber activates.

And then Hux slumps forward against him, out cold. The blaster lands in the snow next to them. Kylo lifts his eyes from his unconscious husband to Rey who looks rightfully unashamed. She's scowling at Hux's crumpled figure, clenching Luke's lightsaber in her hands.

"I've been wanting to do that since he dragged me onto his damn ship," Rey huffs. "Anakin's father or not, the man's unbearable." Kylo looks startled at Rey's knowledge. The young woman responds with a sarcastic roll of the eyes. "You really don't think I figured it out immediately?"

Rey steps back to help Finn to his feet. He's clutching his side, clearly pained, but able to stand on his own and walk. That is, until the ground heaves beneath their feet. Finn slumps heavily against Rey, who is doing her best to support his weight while keeping her own balance.

Kylo reaches out for Hux, ignoring the incredulous looks he receives from Finn and Rey, and heaves the body over his shoulder. His knees buckle at the extra weight, and he nearly collapses as the world shakes beneath him once more.

The area before them - where Hux had laid only second ago - opens up not a moment later with a thundering roar. Beneath Kylo's feet, the earth begins to crumble and he stumbles back to avoid being devoured by the angry gorge. Then they're running, Finn and Rey taking the lead and stumbling behind them until they reach the _Millennium Falcon_.

Kylo stumbles into the main hold and immediately dumps Hux in one of the chairs. Next to him, Rey helps Finn down before bolting into the cockpit to assist Chewie with take off. Take off is anything but comfortable but it isn't surprising considering the damage the Falcon must have received in the crash landing. Kylo holds on for dear life until they are safely in the air at which point he all by crawls toward the cot that holds his father.

Han Solo is alive, but he doesn't look it. With his pale face, bloodied clothing and deadly stillness, he looks like more of a corpse than anything else. Kylo ignores all of it as he buries his face in his arms at Han's side and stifles a sob.

"Don't die, please, Dad."


	8. Chapter 8

"You're awfully late today," Hux sneers from within his cell. He had been pacing as Kylo approached, but stops to glare at him when Kylo reaches the barred window. The room is not much more than a grey cement holding cell, the only way in and out being a heavy metal door that has not been opened in just over three days. There's a cot that looks as though it has yet to be used in the corner. Off to the side, Hux is pointedly ignoring a tray of food that had gone cold hours ago. Clearly, his internal clock has not stopped ticking. "Did you finally bury the old fool?"

"He wasn't the only casualty we mourned today," Kylo says cooly but his voice wavers and he knows Hux hears it. Hux knows him too well. Even after two years apart, he's sure Hux can see straight through his facade, can see the way he is fighting to keep the rage and frustration and pain within.

"He's the only one you cared about enough to mourn," Hux says and Kylo feels his stomach drop. It's true. He hasn't even bothered to learn the names of the other fallen fighters.

"I would have mourned you," Kylo says after a moment when he cannot think of anything else to say. Hux scoffs in response. "But I couldn't... I couldn't let you die."

"Instead, you bring me here, where I either wither away as a loyal servant to the First Order or give in and become a filthy traitor like yourself," Hux responds, one of his eyebrows raising in question. Despite his state (his ratty First Order uniform is beginning to look loose on his deteriorating body and the filth of Starkiller Base's tundra still covering him like a second skin) he still manages to look every bit as calm and collected as the General Kylo knew in the past. "Surely even the Resistance do not think themselves above it." He rocks back on his heels, watching Kylo with an eerie calmness. "I won't talk. They can do their worst but they did not make me General for no reason. So how long is it until the torture begins, Kylo Ren? Or is it Ben Solo now? Or perhaps-,"

"Even if the Resistance believed in torturing information out of people, they wouldn't touch you," Kylo says stiffly, cutting the man off. "You... you aren't here to be their prisoner. You wouldn't even have to be in this cell if you would just-"

"What? Roll over and give them everything they want? Betray everything I have ever known, give up everything I have worked my entire life for?" Hux spits, his eyes flash dangerously. Kylo is taken aback at first. It's the first genuine emotion Hux has shown since he woke up, everything else having been hidden behind an indifferent and emotionless mask. "For you?" Kylo opens his mouth to speak, but Hux never gives him the chance. "For my _son_ , who I didn't even know existed until five days ago?"

Kylo's lips press together in a tight line. "No," he says, stepping closer to the bars. He wishes he could reach through and touch Hux but he doesn't dare try it. "No. Anakin is my responsibility. I made the choice to save him by leaving."

"Then who, Kylo?" Hux demands, his teeth bared in a dangerous expression. It's all anger, so much anger, but also confusion and desperation. He stalks towards the door, reaches out and clutches the bars so tightly his hands lose any color they previously held. He looks at though he may add something but this time, Kylo doesn't let him.

"Do it for you," Kylo says. His voice holds a note of pleading but he ignores it. "You know what awaited you if returned from Starkiller Base empty handed and yet you hesitated to kill me each time you had ample opportunity to do so. Is this fate so much worse than the one that awaited you at Snoke's hands?" Hux's grip on the bars loosens, but he does not say anything. Kylo steps forward, placing a hand gently on top of the other man's. "The First Order has consumed you in my absence, Hux. You're not the Colonel I married years ago and if you ever truly loved Kylo Ren, I am no longer that same man. I have chosen to dedicate my life to protect Anakin's... And now you need to choose your own path. I saved you to give you a second chance to just... live."

"You know nothing. You're fool just like your father." Hux rips his hands away from the bars, staggering backwards until his back hits the concrete wall. His hands run through his dirty, matted hair and then he slides to the ground. Hux is shaking violently. Kylo sighs and does something he has never dared to do before. He reaches out, gently probing at Hux's mind.

At first, it is an overload of emotion. There is love, contaminated by hate created by Snoke's manipulation. There is anger and rage and frustration, so muddled together that Kylo can barely feel one from the other. There's doubt and questioning mixed in there as well. Kylo's trying to pick them apart, sort himself out within Hux's mind, when the overwhelming feeling of _failure_ rushes over him.

For someone as cold and indifferent as Hux, he is a surprising whirlpool of emotion.

Next is the onslaught of images, and Kylo sees himself through Hux's eyes. He's angry, he's upset, he's sleeping, he's sparring with Phasma. The images shatter as quickly as they appear, creating a blur of memories until Kylo suddenly disappears. Instead, the image of Snoke appears before him, grand and just as bone chillingly terrifying as Kylo remembers. He's screaming in this memory, and it takes Kylo a moment to realize it's Hux screaming, not him.

"Get out of my head!"

With a lurch, he is thrown out of Hux's mind. The man is panting heavily, looking up at him with wild and crazed eyes. Kylo stumbles, falling to his knees outside of Hux's cell. As usual, Hux is the first to recover. But after what Kylo has seen, it is so much easier to see the cracks in his facade.

"Just get it over with," Hux hisses. "There is nothing left for me now. Kill me and you may be able to at least retain what memory you have of the man you used to love.

Kylo breathes heavily, pressing his forehead against the cold metal as he fights tears. Part of him wishes he could. The dark side that still grasps at him whispers sweet things of how easy it would be to end Hux's life. The light tells him otherwise, insists the man he loves simply lays dormant within the monster.

Finally, after a silence that stretches miles, a dark chuckle escapes him. "If only it were that easy..."


End file.
